Letting Go
by Lady Azura
Summary: She was still in shock. It hadn't quite settled yet. She kept expecting to wake up in bed and have all of this be a long, drawn out nightmare. But it wasn't a nightmare. It was real. (TW)


Summary: _She was still in shock. It hadn't quite settled yet. She kept expecting to wake up in bed and have all of this be a long, drawn out nightmare. But it wasn't a nightmare. It was real._

Disclaimer: Don't own _Degrassi_. 'Nuff said.

Author's Note: This isn't a prediction or anything so much as a "what if" scenario that kind of follows canon.

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**Letting Go****  
**_**By: Lady Azura**_

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It was Saturday.

Five days ago, tragedy had shaken the halls of Degrassi Community School. A student had killed himself. And just like that, a once promising life had been snuffed out.

After an unbearably long car ride to Kapuskasing, Maya found herself trudging slowly through wet grass, not caring if her shoes got ruined in the process. Above her, the sky was dull and gray. There was something poetic about that. In the distance, she could see a crowd – dressed in black, like her – gathering atop a hill. Taking a deep breath, she walked towards them.

Almost everyone from their class was there. Even a few teachers. The Ice Hounds stood huddled together, their heads bowed as they mourned their fallen teammate. Dallas looked particularly shaken up, and Maya knew that out of everyone on that team, he probably blamed himself the most. She couldn't bring herself to look at the casket, or the name on the tombstone, and instead kept her eyes glued to her mud-spattered heels. A few minutes later, the Priest began.

"We gather today to honor the life of Campbell Saunders…"

Across from her, an older woman began to sob. Maya didn't need to look to know who it was, and kept her gaze downcast. As the Priest continued to speak, Maya's mind wandered elsewhere. She thought about Cam's behavior those last couple of weeks, and wondered if somehow, she could've been able to prevent it. Had she missed something? He _had_ seemed more withdrawn, but that was normal when he was stressed out about school or homework, and after a while he was happy again. He took her out, showered her with gifts… even made love to her. Everything was perfect. But no more than two days later, her world came crashing down when Ms. Oh called her out of class and told her that Cam had taken his life.

She was still in shock. It hadn't quite settled yet. She kept expecting to wake up in bed and have all of this be a long, drawn out nightmare. But it wasn't a nightmare. It was real. Her boyfriend was dead. The first boy she had ever truly loved was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

The rest of the ceremony was a blur to Maya. She forced herself to watch as his casket was lowered into the ground and buried, and gave her condolences to the Saunders family without letting on who _she_ was, before parting with the rest of her classmates.

"Matlin." A deep voice called out from behind, and she glanced over her shoulder to see Dallas walking towards her. She turned to face him and he came to a halt in front of her, clearing his throat. She waited for him to compose himself and gather his thoughts. "I just wanted to let you know… if you need anything…"

He trailed off, but Maya knew what he was trying to say, and knew he was doing it because he felt it was what _Cam_ would've wanted – someone to look out for her. She forced a smile and nodded.

"Thank you." She said quietly.

Dallas nodded, and Maya gave him another faint smile before turning away and making her way to where her dad was waiting in the car.

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That Monday, Maya stayed home from school. She just didn't feel up for going. She was tired of being stopped in the halls by people she barely knew so that they could tell her how _sorry_ they were for her loss, and how great Cam was and how he'd be missed. She _knew_ how great Cam was, and she didn't need everyone reminding her that he was dead. She was also sick of the pitying glances from her teachers, and Katie's constant nagging to see the guidance counselor. Katie had been watching her like a hawk lately, as if she assumed that Maya was seconds away from following in Cam's footsteps, and it was starting to piss her off.

She wandered around the empty house like a zombie. Her parents were at work and Katie wouldn't be home from school until at least two-thirty. Normally, she would've reveled in it. She enjoyed solitude. It helped her concentrate, and she could play her cello as loud as she wanted without "disturbing" anyone. She'd tried that though, and just… couldn't. Her heart wasn't in it, and neither was her mind, but she needed something to think about other than _Cam_. So she wandered about the house, finding little things to distract herself with like fixing crooked pictures on the walls and cleaning the kitchen counter even though it was already spotless.

It was noon by the time she returned to the living room, where her cello sat unattended. With a sigh, she sat down and picked up her bow, about to give it another go when the doorbell rang. Rolling her eyes in frustration, she set it aside and got up to answer the door, ready to tell whatever Jehovah's Witness or salesperson standing there to _fuck off_. But it wasn't a salesperson or a Jehovah's Witness.

It was Tori.

Tori, who hadn't spoken to her since finding out about her kiss with Zig.

"I, um…" The dark-haired girl's eyes darted around uncertainly, before she thrust a stack of textbooks towards her. "Ms. Oh told me to drop these off. She didn't want you falling behind."

"… thanks." Was all Maya could muster.

She expected Tori to leave then, but she remained standing there, opening her mouth every few seconds like she wanted to say something but then faltering.

"How… how are you doing?" She asked.

Maya gave her a noncommittal shrug. "I'm fine."

"I mean… how are you dealing with… everything?" Tori elaborated, stumbling over her words. "Are… are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

Maya laughed humorlessly.

"Oh, I see. So now that my boyfriend is dead, you suddenly care again. Well I'm fine and even if I wasn't, I wouldn't talk about it with _you_." She said coldly.

Tori looked taken aback.

"Maya, I never stopped caring about you –"

"You called me a slut and told me I was 'dead' to you, and that you never wanted to talk to me again." Maya reminded her.

"I was mad. I didn't mean anything by it." Tori said softly. "Please. I'm tired of fighting."

Maya said nothing, leaving the door wide open as she made her way back to the living room. Sitting down, she picked up her bow and cello and began to play Bach's Suite No. 1. It wasn't long before Tori joined her in the living room, setting her schoolwork down. Maya pretended to ignore her and focus on her music, but when she hit the wrong note, she let out a groan and gave up. Tori gave her a sympathetic look, which only made Maya fume more.

"What?" She snapped. "No one's perfect."

"I didn't say anything." Tori said.

"What are you even doing here?" Maya asked. "You dropped off my homework – thanks. You can go now."

Tori sighed. "I just… I want to make sure that you're okay…"

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Maya demanded. "What? You think I'm so heartbroken that I'm just going to just… throw myself of a bridge or something? I'm _fine_, okay? Perfectly fine!" Her voice was getting louder, and the cool façade she'd worked so hard on was beginning to crack. She laughed bitterly, running a hand through her hair and practically ripping out the butterfly clip holding it up because _he_ had given it to her on their third date. She threw it across the room, startling Tori. "Cam's dead, Tori. He's dead and there's nothing I can do to bring him back! But you know what? I'll get over it! I'll get over him because obviously he didn't love me enough to stick around!"

Her eyes were starting burn and she didn't bother to wipe them as she paced angrily around the room.

"You know what? Fuck Cam. I'm glad he's gone." Maya declared through tears, as Tori watched on in pity. "I gave him _everything_ but apparently that wasn't enough to keep him happy!" She broke off, breathing heavily before dropping her gaze. "_I_ wasn't enough to keep him happy…"

Covering her mouth, she started to laugh, but her laughter quickly dissolved into choked sobs. When Tori wrapped her arms around her, she didn't even bother pushing her away, and instead buried her face in the other girl's shoulder.

"Why did he do it?" She whimpered, clinging to Tori. "Why couldn't I save him?"

"You did everything you could. Don't blame yourself." Tori assured her.

Maya just cried harder.

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**FIN**

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Eh… this sounded better in my head. Oh well.

Please REVIEW and let me know what you think!


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